Where We Are...

There is a constant debate in my head about how much I should publicly talk about what we are going thru with Will. For those close to us, it is well known and obvious. But I struggle with how much I should put out there.

But at the same time, if you know anything about me, you know I crave authenticity and am always one that wants to be real. Especially regarding this parenting gig, since mystiques rarely help anyone.

Earlier this year I wrote a blog post about the initial autism concerns with Will. Since then, we have slowly realized and accepted, we are living a life on the spectrum. Granted, he is considered on the high-functioning end of the spectrum. But boy what a ride it is proving to be. Off the top of my tired head, these are just a few of the daily challenges:

must cut the food a certain way
runs in parking lots
won't hold a hand in parking lot
screams while sitting at red lights
runs, runs, runs
little volume control
doesn't like to be contained
wanders away
melts down if food falls off the fork
wants you to sing, screams if you sing
freaks out over wearing a jacket

Any of these examples can trigger an epic meltdown. And sometimes this entire list can all happen in less than 30 minutes.  :)  Add any kind of new or unknown situation, any place that has a lot of activity or noise, a doctor's appointment, etc., and the wheels are officially off.

Right now my defense mechanism seems to be to cry. Wish that wasn't the case, because I don't do the pretty cry. I go right to swollen lips, red blotches on my neck. But it's who I am. When I feel overwhelmed, I cry. And truth be told, there's been a lot of that lately.

Although Will is doing absolutely wonderful in school (he thrives in routine and predictability and we are SO thankful for this school), life at home is not quite as picturesque. In fact, life at home has become increasingly harder.

Thankfully, he is a great sleeper. Seriously. Thank you, Lord! So I am not necessarily physically tired as much as I am emotionally tired. Emotionally exhausted. Living life not knowing and honestly, fearing, when a complete meltdown might occur is tiring. Constantly wondering where I should just accept this is how he operates vs. pushing him to adapt is confusing and stressful. Seeing him interact with the world and people in such a different way can be heartbreaking.

The other day I sat in a parking lot crying more tears of frustration and exhaustion after a horrendous experience at the pumpkin patch. Afterwards I was on Facebook and a friend posted these words from the song Glorious Unfolding:

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

I was a mess. That's when I decided I needed to write an update. For reasons both to document where we have been and are going on this journey (prayerful & hopeful we will see progress over time) and to provide a little glimpse into our world.

My assumption would've been that as he nears age 4, we would be scheduling playdates, signing him up for his first soccer team, and talking with him about all of his interests and favorite things to do. We aren't and that's ok. Right now, we are thrilled with a morning that he wakes up happy or a dinner that doesn't involve screaming.

But even when those things don't happen, I can thankfully still find some pretty adorable and unique things about this boy that make my heart happy.

knows all upper and lower case letters
can spell several friends & family members names
remembers EVERYthing
sweetest little voice
a puzzle rockstar
loves to sing
loves to dance
loves to jump on the trampoline
loves his family
gives the absolute BEST hugs

And when any of these happen, thankfully, it is easy to briefly forget the tiring moments before.

I think a lot of people around us aren't sure what to do or say. Will's situation is tricky. Because he is high-functioning, there are some scenarios that he is completely "normal" in. When in a comfortable or predictable situation, some may never guess about the spectrum. If that's the only time you see him, you may think we're crazy for changing his school and taking him to all of the therapies he goes to.

But let's face it. Life (especially in the Strzinek house) is anything but predictable. So more times than not, our outings and interactions are neither calm nor predictable.  :)

I've already heard it all. From the "all kids are like this, don't worry he will get over it" to people telling me about every random autism treatment they've ever heard about. Neither is the most helpful.  :)

But thankfully, Will has already developed quite a Fan Club. There are a few people at our church and his school who have a pretty special connection with him. The mutual love is just about the sweetest thing I've ever seen. There are really no words to express how much that means to us.

So that's where we are. The good and the bad of it all. Because it really is some of both.

I wouldn't change one minute of it. Well, a few less meltdowns would be nice. But I sure wouldn't change who Will is. He has taught me so much in just a few years, and I know there is much more to come. And in the exhaustion and the hard moments, I hold tight to this promise...

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:22-23