September 19. For me, this is a day that will always stick in my memory. It was the due date of our first baby. So that means that he or she would’ve been turning 1 this month. Sadly though, I lost the baby from a miscarriage at 10 weeks.
Max Lucado wrote something in a book that really clicked with me. The context was about dealing with grief and loss. He told a story of a family grieving from a miscarriage and said, “It wasn’t just the loss of a baby, but the loss of a dream.”
I think it really is the loss of the dream that makes it such a tough thing to go through. The second you find out you’re pregnant, you begin dreaming of what your new family will be like. I had 6 full weeks to begin dreaming, and then it came to a surprising and devastating end very quickly.
Before my miscarriage, I really didn’t know much about it or know many people who had gone through it. Then when it happened to us, people were coming from everywhere sharing their own experience or the experience of people they knew.
I kept thinking, why haven’t I heard you talk about this before? Don’t get me wrong, I know what a Debbie Downer it can be to bring this up at a dinner party. My explanation is that most people just don’t know what to say when it comes to this topic.
Or, there would be people who would say things to be supportive, but it didn’t always come across the right way. I know most of the comments were all said out of love and kindness, but things like, “It was meant to be” and “It God’s way of taking a baby that wasn’t quite right,” didn’t really make me feel any better.
I never expected friends or family to have the perfect thing to say or to say something that would make all the pain go away. But, I quickly realized that all I wanted from those around me was to know that they cared and would lift both Wade & me up in prayer.
I guess I share all of this for several reasons. If you or someone you know has gone through this, hopefully my little soapbox today can shed a little light into what they’re experiencing or to validate what you’re experiencing.
What’s also hard to remember is that the pain doesn’t go away a few weeks after the miscarriage. It stays with you for awhile. Right now, I’m celebrating the upcoming arrival of what looks to be a very healthy, growing baby. Although I’m over the moon with excitement and am extremely thankful for this baby, it doesn’t erase or even minimize the loss of our first.
I’ve said this blog is supposed to reflect my ponderings, so I might as well share what’s been on my mind and heart today.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
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10 comments:
Thanks for your blog. I thank you for your advice and honesty. I have a very special friend who has gone through a miscarage. It is such a hard thing. I try to remember she is still hurting and missing that baby growing inside her, but it is easy to forget. Thank you for reminding me of what she is feeling.
My roomate in college had a miscarriage after her first baby died after only 6 weeks of life outside of the womb. I believe that one day she will see her baby and so will you and Wade. I have learned through doing wrong so many times, that sometimes the best way to be a friend is just to be silent and let the other person come to you when they are ready to talk-if not, just keep being the silent friend who offers hugs and love. Thank you for sharing! May God continue to bless your journey!
Susan
My sister has had three miscarriages, and I've learned that every time it is painful beyond words. I prayed for you and Wade dozens of times in the first few weeks after I learned about your loss, and I still pray for you in this. I'm a little ashamed that I haven't told you that before now, but I was always afraid that I would say something stupid or ill thought out (who am I to say I know what this feels like?) All I can say is that there are no words, no easy answers. Life as it is is defined by pain and loss, but we know that there is a life to come that is defined by comfort, not pain; joy, and not loss. As Wade wrote more eloquently than I'm capable, our life here is not the end of the story, but merely the prologue to something far greater.
Take care and know you are loved.
Kelly, it's very hard for me to comment...however, I will never foreget when your father told me..when Wade came to the house and we hugged and cried...and when I realized my first grandchild was not going to be born, but going directly to heaven. I thank God that soon you and Wade will be able to hold your baby in your arms soon. He will be very special.
I'll always love you baby Strz...
Mimi
Thank you for sharing your feelings. They validate mine and make me feel slightly less insane.
I've been reading and re-reading your entry all day today and yesterday. It's also hard for me to find the words to comment with. I can't imagine what it feels like and don't pretend to. I love you, Wade and both of your babies.
Hey Babe,
I just thanked God for making you such a loving mom . . . 77 more days.
Love you,
W
Thanks everyone for the very kind, thoughtful comments. I guess it's the PR person in me, but this post was really to get the word out about what that expereince feels like. Hopefully it will be a helpful reminder if you ever experience someone else in that situation.
Thank you though for your love for me and my little family. :)
Kelly~
The part about loosing a dream is completely understandable. I can't say (nor will I pretend) that I completely understand! However, when you feel the urgency, excitement and love to develop a family and it falls apart in one quick appt., it is DEVASTATING! Thank you for sharing your feelings and know that you are truly blessing others by your life, example and words.
Love and many hugs,
Janell
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